Adderall, in the long-run, hasn't actually done much for my depression. In fact, it may have actually made it a little worse. I was better able to focus, and in turn, was able to focus more on the shit that made me feel worse. The initial boost of energy helped my mood for the short-term, but that wore off. Not to say it won't help you with it more than it did me. ADHD, depression and anxiety are very commonly comorbid and treating one often ameliorates another.
I still need to take it because SQUIRREL SHINY THINGS YOUTUBE but it's not been the whole answer I was looking for. So I continue therapy.
Though I can say it's nice to have an elevated mood from something other than drugs, for once. Even my idiot brain can't ignore the good this time.
My meds have fallen out of balance again because of tolerance or whatever so the past week has been pure hell. Of course the holidays never help, but its kind of hard to sleep when you feel like you are being strangled while in flight for your life, and swallowing back a constant flood of saliva like someone desperately trying to stop from throwing up - except you don't throw up and it doesn't stop for days.
I'm not sure if it's evened out again or if my throat is simply worn out from the constant tension. It's called "globus sensation" but that's a really fucking kind way of saying "I feel like someone is trying to crush my windpipe" Doubling down with the constant swallowing just makes both issues worse.
I worked through it because I thought taking any time off would just compound the stress of having all this crap to do and less time to do it in due to holidays.
There's nothing more precious than sleep right now.
Honestly just kind of at the point of "wat do".
Taking Mirtazapine 30mg 1x daily for my depression and as a sleep aid. Taking Adderall 30mg 2x daily cuz depression and lol brain damage. Just not really working anymore on top of my life being pretty much dog shit. Aside from a great job I just don't want for a shit ton of reasons most of which are entirely unrelated to being depressed, it's a shitty situation.
Can't get to sleep at night. Can't wake up in the morning, I have one of those alarm clocks you can hear from across the street that vibrates my bed so strongly the whole house shakes. 50/50 on if I sleep through it or wake up and lunge across the room to turn it off before it bothers my roommates before falling immediately back to sleep.
No matter how much or how little sleep I get I'll start to doze off if I'm idle for more than five minutes during the day. Even with 30mg of Adderall on board. This is new though. Last month and ah alf maybe
Hopefully starting my new job next week helps but currently I don't really leave the house except to go get coffee, smokes, or groceries. If I go do anything else or try to have "fun" it's just... not. I'm sure most of you know what I mean when I say I tell myself "shit yeah gonna go do X." but as soon as I start doing whatever X is any interest I had quickly ebbs away and I just wind up bored. Tonight for example, I went out to a high cover NYE event with an open bar. Drank me some whiskey and just kind of hung out in the crowd bored. Drop dead gorgeous asian(my preference) chick starts chatting me up at the bar, playing with my beard, and talking about how amazing the new star wars is when I happened to see it for the second time this afternoon. Didn't fuck it up, I just went from "The fuck? Jackpot!" to disinterested over the course of 15 minutes. She was still crazy hot. She was still talking about shit I was interested in. I just reached a point where I didn't give enough of a shit to keep... trying I guess? So I let the conversation die and wandered off. Ran into her again later and she mimed force choking me. I played along for a couple seconds and just kept walking to the bar. She was as confused about it as I am now because I clean up okay but I'm a solid 5-7 depending on who you ask and this bitch was a 9+ to anyone with a working dick. Don't have any friends here and haven't fucked in 14 months. The concept of both certainly appeals but I just wouldn't make the effort when the opportunity landed in my lap.
I don't know, I'm just kind of at the end of my figurative rope. I recognize that I made choices contrary to my desires but I'm not upset with myself or regret not making the effort. I just don't understand why I didn't. Because I'm absolutely miserable 99% of the time but I can't afford to fuck around with new meds while I'm trying to learn and get settled at my new job. Not sure what else I can do though.
So holidays were kinda rough here, as well. Family sure knows how to make me feel inadequate.
But I got through it. Even allowed myself to have fun last weekend. Went to a Poison Idea concert. Got a bit busted up in the pit, but it was a blast.
Is it weird that I haven't moved a thing from Gravy's desk yet and that I haven't been able to bring myself to wash the pan he made his last burger in...it's all greasy (thank god it's winter) and really needs washed but I just can't do it.
I am really trying to keep my grief as grief and not let it morph into full on depression. Fuck.
Just power through and scrub the pan. Unless you want to name all the roaches Gravy in a couple weeks.
Leaf blowing some paw prints out of the sand immediately after my dog got killed triggered me hard. But it was kind of a release. Trivial to your scenario but... wash the pan.
If you haven't already looked into it, you may consider seeking out a support group for surviving spouses. The reality is, unless someone's been through it, they just don't understand, and you need to be around people that make you feel normal in your current state, and have some advice that may actually be worth something. Just a thought, anyways.
Definitely second the "get help" sentiment, Mrs. Gravy.
Therapist is saying I'm miles ahead of where I was when I started. I'm actually talking like a somewhat normal person. And I feel just... okay. Day-to-day. Haven't been feeling like shit for "no reason" most of the time. I still have a lot of self-hate to deal with. I also have really bad days still. But even I'm getting it through my head how much better I'm doing. I even have friends now. I'm actually kind of excited.