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Thread: Depression.

  1. #501
    Registered Dorf Kreugen's Avatar
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    But if you don't do it at least once you're a cunt and all your stories suck. (Jim Jefferies)

    Just look at your avatar. That was probably you, singing karaoke. Using lyrics to a song that doesn't exist.

    And the bit about having something to talk about is so true. Because you can't talk about playing games to people. Even if you can, that shit is boring. I hate having conversations about games. Which seems odd, given my umpteen thousand posts on the subject.

  2. #502
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    I remember trying to light something on fire. And the bartender was hot. And puking in their sink. But that's about it.

    All their "regular" shots were like triples. I had 4 or 5. That didn't help.

    And yeah, talking about games is so boring, to me. I mean, it's something to do on the internets, and with friends you know are interested, but beyond that you have to have some kind of interests outside of gaming. That's why I often hate talking to nerds, even though I'm a huge nerd myself.

  3. #503
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    Fuck. Now I'm feeling conflicted. Maybe getting shitfaced for the first time in my life really was good for me.

    I'd left my keys with the bartender because I knew going in how bad I wanted to get. After the bender was over, she called me a cab and I got home. Don't remember any of that though.

    But I had to go back and get the keys today. I was feeling embarassed the entire way. But I walk in and get congratulated by the bartenders. And you know what? It felt easy to talk to them, after that night. And I was feeling better all day. A *lot* fucking better. Even better than when I first started taking my meds.

    Maybe what I've needed all this time is to just embarass the shit out of myself unashamedly. Maybe I've just been too fucking wound up and had my head so far up my ass I could smell the breeze.

    Maybe I need to take up drinking, professionally.

  4. #504
    Puts the suffer in insufferable. Izo's Avatar
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    Man discovers alcohol. Alcohol good.

    It's a shitty way to deal with depression though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tuco View Post
    Izo: Responding to self deprecating jokes with spiteful arguments since 2012
    Quote Originally Posted by Soygen View Post
    Everything goes everywhere in everyone. It gets real messy.

  5. #505
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    Oh, it's not for the depression. Not really. More for the social anxiety.

    My whole life, I've been boring. I might have bent rules, here or there, but I never did anything exicting. Or unexpected. I was Bilbo fucking Baggins. Last night was Gandalf knocking on my door with a bottle of whiskey. The other night, for the first time, I said fuck-it-all and threw caution to the wind. I made an ass of myself in public and there were no lasting consequences. No one fucking cared. And that's what I've been afraid of my whole life. I've been so goddamned arrogant to think people do care. I always thought I would get shit if I stepped out of line. But all I got was a verbal high five from the hot bartender and my keys back.

    One of the things fueling my depression is social anxiety and isolation, and one of the things fueling my social anxiety is my depression. I've been trying to go about this by fighting the depression first, but maybe I need to go the other way.

  6. #506
    Internet Celebrity Azeth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Troll View Post
    Oh, it's not for the depression. Not really. More for the social anxiety.

    My whole life, I've been boring. I might have bent rules, here or there, but I never did anything exicting. Or unexpected. I was Bilbo fucking Baggins. Last night was Gandalf knocking on my door with a bottle of whiskey. The other night, for the first time, I said fuck-it-all and threw caution to the wind. I made an ass of myself in public and there were no lasting consequences. No one fucking cared. And that's what I've been afraid of my whole life. I've been so goddamned arrogant to think people do care. I always thought I would get shit if I stepped out of line. But all I got was a verbal high five from the hot bartender and my keys back.

    One of the things fueling my depression is social anxiety and isolation, and one of the things fueling my social anxiety is my depression. I've been trying to go about this by fighting the depression first, but maybe I need to go the other way.
    if true i am absolutely delighted that you had this experience

  7. #507
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    Honestly, it feels a lot like the revelation that spurred me to start losing weight a while back. A shift in thinking.

    I still have to put it into practice. But now, when I imagine myself getting back out there... I don't see myself running. I don't see failure.

  8. #508
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    Today went well...

    Went to another meetup and... I didn't feel any of that usual crap.

    Okay, so my legs felt a little jittery going there. But once I was there, nothing. No butterflies. No desire to run. I felt relaxed. I was able to just talk to people. I haven't felt that good in... a long fucking time.

  9. #509
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    JFC I'm out of control here.

    Just asked someone out for the first time in my life. Rejected, but whatever. Still made a friend, though.

  10. #510
    Registered User Dabamf's Avatar
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    Awesome. Glad to hear things are going well. The outcome isn't as important as having the drive/balls to go for it. Keep it up

  11. #511
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    So yeah. I've been back to the bar a couple times, again. This last weekend, and again last night.

    Last weekend I was feeling like shit. I'd just had a panic attack at the dragon boat races. Social anxiety is a bitch. Doesn't help when you've also got depression. So I drank a lot. I also lamented over an old picture of myself from when I was 250+ lbs heavier. But I ended up burning the picture that night, realizing it was just anchoring me to the past. I still didn't feel much different though.

    Fast forward to last night, though. Went back, got a little tipsy, but not out of my skull. Showed a picture of the picture I'd taken to the bartender. She didn't even recognize who it was. All this time, I've been thinking it was obvious that I was still the fatter me, and people couldn't even tell. I'm completely indistinguishable from the old me. The feeling I got was... liberating. While I haven't felt tied to that picture since I burned it, I now don't feel tied to that person I used to be. The worry I was feeling is gone.

    Don't get me wrong, I still have a long ways to go before I'm "normal." But it still feels amazing.

  12. #512
    Registered User Dabamf's Avatar
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    I'm gonna say what I always do, especially now that you have a new found energy to make your life better: search for a cbt therapist in your area and go to therapy. The research overwhelmingly shows that therapy + medication is better than either alone, and therapy enacts more permanent change than meds. And depression/anxiety just loves CBT

    It's great that things are turning around for you. Sounds like the medication is really helping and allowing you to be more like yourself. Keep it up

    I guess it's a good time to recap my summer. As I mentioned a while back, I started therapy myself at the beginning of summer to work through some anxiety and a slight mood problem. Unfortunately, being in training and being professionally connected to much of the mental health field, there are not many options for me to get treatment from evidence-based practitioners. I had found a decent referral, as best as I can probably get, but this person doesn't do any targeted "treatment" per se, but more like supportive listening+a few CBT techniques sprinkled here and there. The therapist was really, really helpful for a good chunk of the summer, for the stuff that was mostly adjustment related. However, once I got most of the adjustment stuff figured out, we hit a pretty big plateau even though there is a lot more I feel like I could improve. So I'm terminating soon. I would still like to find a therapist who does treatment with clearly defined objectives, goals, and targeted interventions, as we are trained to do. Most therapists just talk, which is, again, very effective, just not as effective as real "treatment."

    It's sort of ironic that mental health is my life, my future career, and I advocate so strongly for it here, yet I can't get the services I want for myself because of my involvement in the field. wah wuh

  13. #513
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    I have my first therapy session coming up on the 27th. Just been trying to cope as best as I can until then.

    And yeah... I've been finding myself feeling pretty strongly about mental health lately (I know, right?). So much so that I'm thinking I might start looking up places I can volunteer. It's not something I want to do as a career, but I want to help. I don't have it as bad as most, but seeing even this lesser side of it has made me realize how bad it can get.

  14. #514
    Spittin mad rhymes Troll's Avatar
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    Fuck these days. Despite all the progress I'm making in other parts of my life, the depression still comes back and makes me feel like utter and total shit. And I still have to go to work tonight. Fuck it all.

  15. #515
    Retarded Fucktard Wrathcaster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Troll View Post
    Fuck these days. Despite all the progress I'm making in other parts of my life, the depression still comes back and makes me feel like utter and total shit. And I still have to go to work tonight. Fuck it all.
    I feel you buddy. Sometimes all the motivational speeches and advice to work out, eat right, and get out just aren't enough.

    Sometimes life is just a goddamn bitch.

    You'll deal. You already feel terrible, what's the worst thing that can happen to you further? You'll feel terrible? You already feel fucking terrible.

    In the end, it can only get better for you, and it will, because nothing ever really stays the same.

    You'll be fine. Just hold out, do what you need to do, and take pride in the fact that you're still keeping up the effort when you're fucking fed up. You've already won.
    Last edited by Wrathcaster; 09-24-2014 at 08:32 AM.

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